❤ Tuesday Funeral ❤

today my life begins.

2011-03-28T01:04:00.002+08:00

In two weeks' time; ill be able to say that, "Today, my life begins."

It working out pretty well cos' this is where i stand at the peak & come two weeks, ill have no other way out but to jump.

& nervous as it is, I'm already looking forward to it.

Most probably because my life for the past 1 & a half year, has been lacking a touch of 'series of unfortunate events'. I like the thrill it brings. The point where i am at my lowest & i climb back up again, limping.

Yes, I've said it.

No more procrastinating.

No more bed of roses.

I'm quitting my job.

& If i may have given you the impression I've found a better job, you're impressively wrong. On the contrary, i haven even been called for one. But i know this is what I've been waiting for; not going back where i started & turning back time (not that its a bad thing; there's always 'Volatilis tamen radicalis' )

But because of the fact I've never enjoyed my work except for the people & its little perks every other day.

My dad would say,'You're always looking for trouble.' Maybe i am, for i am not resting until i have achieved my life's Dos & Don'ts.

Actually ive been striking off more Don'ts than Dos in the past few years.

Maybe the Do's phase will come by after I'm almost done with the Don'ts.

Least' I'm not gonna be 63 & tugging my hubby & telling him, " Dear, i think we should explore outer space this weekend."

I'm determined like an old frock to complete my obstacles before i finally lean back is say, "done that" to almost what every unsatisfied twerp might say.

"I might as well go through these rough patches of ground since I'm still young & have the energy, resistance, intelligence; to do so. "

I can already hear the familiar groaning of dad's at the back of my head.

hear my cries.

2011-03-27T04:59:00.000+08:00

You don't understand. This is what i go through every night ever since you've been gone. I'm exhausted but there's only little i can do; is wait for you to be here with me when i sleep. A buddy said you'll be tired & almost be sleeping everyday when you're back home cos' your body is worn out. I understand, i truly do. But the fact that I've been waiting for you to come home & put me to sleep so i don't wake up in the middle of the night realizing you're not here with me. I cannot find a way to make myself sleep without you. We have never been apart. I've always had the pleasure of your warmth to put me into a deep sleep. & i were to have nightmares, you'll be there comforting me back to sleep. now that you're here makes it much more harder. cos' you'll be asleep as i stare onto your beautiful face as you do. & when its time for me to sleep, i don't know how to. I thought it'd be better when you're back home in my arms, but it seems that I'm more afraid of going to sleep & waking up to finding that I'm all alone.

That should explain all the magnified expenses on cigarettes & beer when you're not around. Cos' it makes me sleep better or at least get me some sleep at night.

Call me a selfish boor but I'd love you to finally wake up & sit down to find me crying on the bedside & you smothering me to sleep even if it means it'll be the last.

2010-11-10T17:45:00.001+08:00

"Its just, sex. "

fat.

2010-11-04T05:48:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna stay fat with all these late night suppers & this dumb routine, am i?
i cant even fuckn feel my neck ! LOL.

Well, least till zoukout.

Today my life begins.

2010-10-29T12:58:00.000+08:00

Today my life begins.

I think about everyday. When will i be able to mumble those words under my breath?
Right now, im just chasing a never-ending dream; jumping in an endless waterfall.

I just need to end this 12 weeks of terror before i start planning/scrutinizing again.
Undoubtedly, im being transferred again.
Which clearly doesn't help with my morale.

(Secretly i wish a cop will knock on my door & mirandize me right now for a top-notch high profile case.)
Something that'll never happen.

You've heard this everyday; "I've learned my lesson."
I guess i'm just one of those who linger through daily practical jokes of life that God thinks its hilarious.

But have you ever sat down thinking you've had much to concede in life that you feel so exhausted even waking up ?
It's like a round track in school when you ran as fast as you could for the first round & believed that you'd be surprised the 2nd.
Much to your (expected) dismay, you did not managed to keep ur steps consistent & end up falling back behind those strategic runner who schemingly plan their subtle moves to overcome enthusiast like us.
Well, i certainly don't blame them for my misfortune, i actually find them brilliant to anticipate the fury of people they've overtaken.

I, unfortunately, am one of those who gives my every nail chips & hair ends to things i pursue.
Right formula.
Just wrong dosage.

I have learnt my lesson.
In time, you'll have to live with it.
I can't. Because i don't regret.
Ever.

Each mistake, Each run, Each fall, Each step;
is my journey to the end of the rainbow.

Screw faults.
One life, have an affair !

Well, in my case, it just means, do the fuck what i want to.
I'm only gonna make these mistakes in this lifetime.
(Maybe a certain portion of my conscience still believes in being faithful)
Maybe, i truly pride myself with 'treat others how you'd like to be treated.'

Life, like Islam, is simple.
Has certain regulations to adhere in case you fall out of tracks & will have no chance of return due to your own shame brought upon by thyself.

'Its my chance to jump. This time imma make it right.'

This came from a mind of a girl who repeatedly attempted suicide.
Prolonged depression from her own expectations.
To my surprise, when she spoke those words; she was sitting with her feet flat on the ground; looking up.
The night sky however, has clouds formed into a ledge-like entrance (or exit, depending how u look at it)
At that very instance, i knew what she meant.

No more pussy whines & procrastinating.
Baby steps; thats what she meant.

Only this time, for real.

2010-10-29T10:48:00.002+08:00

I adore this much.

But mine is 3 sentences ^^

broken

2010-10-24T04:39:00.000+08:00

It's Over.

I'm Done With You.
Just Like The Rest, Asshole.

envious

2010-10-23T01:19:00.004+08:00

Im starting to be envious of what life has offered other people.
Like the little things Ive always wanted to achieve.
I need my accomplishments to be solid; not vague.

Should i blame my undeniable ever-drifting focus ?
Should i blame my short-sightedness ?
Should i blame my ego for letting it speak it all ?
Should i blame my dying interests to try almost everything ?
Should i blame my long legs for not taking baby steps ?
Should i be blamed ?

For all the things i wish i should have, would have, could have;
done ?

I am such a little lost girl right now;
fighting for her will to carry on against all odds.
Her undying faith has begun to conform.

I am lost, i finally admit.
If you hear closely enough,
ull get to hear there's no heartbeat left in this tiny little heart;
whom once had enraging flames of desire to conquer her own little fantasy world.

Where are those who swore to stand by me?
Only one dares to stand tall through this chaos.

Only you.
Still, i can't revive myself; not tonight.

pucker up for court

2010-10-21T15:11:00.000+08:00

Let's hope things go my way for good this time. Court cases are so much hassle & messy; which is why i like it. But if it concerns me, it beats a hella of a drum in me. I really hope he's not dumb enough to take it to court dragging me along the way.
Heads up beancurd.

You're done for, big time.

precious

2010-10-21T00:50:00.000+08:00

Like they say, ull never know what u've got till its gone. im thankful i never have to let you go bfre i realise that.

I LOVE YOU, with all my heart.

work

2010-10-19T12:22:00.000+08:00

Work is much of a chore nowadays.
I can still turn up for work zombified from a drooling nose & a frozen mind.

I can't do this any longer.

monday blues

2010-10-18T08:45:00.000+08:00

I need a man who holds my hair back when im pukng my guts out on the toilet bowl.
A man who stays by my hospital bed even if he does know he needs to work & its better at home.
Because he knows i can't say im afraid to be alone.

outrage

2010-10-17T23:31:00.001+08:00

I would do just fine being Single.

I would have to endure some empty apartment moments; but i'd really beg to differ about feeling empty without a partner.
I have dozens of partners in crime who doesnt need to hear all those frequent rantings on how badly im treated in a r'ship. (Like if they volunteered to hear in the first place)
I have Le'boyf. But i feel as much empty; more without him to be honest.
but whats the point of me feeling empty WITH him ?

What i clearly need is a person who is willing to share my woes. THAT SIMPLE.
Cos' nowadays in a r'ship; people are willing to share the winnings of a lottery & when the tough time strikes, you are in your own room finding yourself with nothing to do but messing up that old redundant box thats left on the shelves for the past million years.
And at the end of the day, you find yourself packing on more than you should.
Which is something i wouldn't understand from human nature; the overestimation.

Being an over-achiever is certainly something the society needs.
But if it only results to you over-packing & finding yourself dont needing a mosquito repellent when ure out on the roller coasters.
The only thing left to swap, well, is yourself.

As i sat down the many uncountable times thinking to myself what have i got myself into this time; I got out of with shrugging it off with a 'just a thought' incident.
Or just finding myself struggling for that bottle of aspirins cos' i clearly didnt need that extra load on my brain. But i gave myself a pat on the back for having the initiative to least, lessen the burden for the next trip.

My initial point; my relationship ain't going that well; least to me.
(Cos' the last i checked, he assured me we need not take it to another level.)
I already hear someone saying. "Who's relationship is ?"

Everyone has to go through that rough round of tracks till you get familiar with that patch when u've gone around it a couple of times; you'll know its gonna be a bumpy ride.

Mine, in this case.
I am clearly unhappy, unsatisfied with the different intellects that we both have.
The nonchalant attitude that's got me smitten in the first place.
It irks me BIGTIME.
Well, he's my astrological HELL.
Leo's & Aquarius just can't shake to the groove & knock the bowling pins down right after a wrestling smackdown.

Well, im not perfect either.
& im not trying to be.
Im just trying to be the best i can to adapt to his (stupid) globe.
Which most of the time goes unnoticed.

Who are we kidding when we talk about selflessness or just err, whats that; unconditional cliche?
As human beings, we all expect something in return.
Something; a reciprocated gesture, a nod, a surprise. To let us know our efforts are all not for naught.

I clearly dont believe in Love.
Never Did & Never Will.

finally some guts to let it out once again

2010-10-17T18:40:00.000+08:00

Le'boyf is uber irritatng.
Most of the times now.
Occasionally.
now he's even buggng me to do the laundry !

BUGGER,

<3

Updates

2010-02-08T02:44:00.002+08:00

2010-01-13T17:29:00.001+08:00

"If only I had the strength you’d be completely accepting something else."

2010-01-13T17:21:00.000+08:00

Now,the lessons learned.

2010-01-13T17:17:00.000+08:00

I'm gliding in the beautiful sky,
it's such a clear day.
Go riding in,
your sweet lullabies,
come fly away.

2010-01-11T01:44:00.001+08:00

I've always known; that you were never real.

As i happened to be the victim of your sad sad sorrows.

Something so painful you are never relieved of; Something. Someone.

I've Never Blamed You.

2010-01-10T15:51:00.002+08:00

"Back To Being Your Fav Little Girl. "

2010-01-07T03:38:00.000+08:00

"Lets Party, People. "

2010-01-05T01:40:00.000+08:00

Belittled my pride for your ego.

To settle on a truce.

Went down on my knees & said i'm sorry boy.

Still you wouldn't budge.

Maybe,

thats just the reason why i could let you go with such ease.

2010-01-04T16:47:00.000+08:00

"My biggest pain are words i cannot say."

2010-01-04T15:59:00.000+08:00

"If You Stay For Awhile, Let Me Hold You Tonight. "

2010-01-04T02:02:00.000+08:00

A HeartBreaker Right From The Start.

2010-01-04T01:46:00.000+08:00

"Lying Alone With My Head On The Phone."

I'm Still Fucking Missing You.

2010-01-03T12:02:00.001+08:00

"Is It Such A Sin To Take What's Mine? "

2009-12-27T16:14:00.000+08:00

Missing out on good things.

2009-12-27T13:36:00.000+08:00

"SICK."

2009-12-27T01:10:00.002+08:00

"Let's Get To Where We Came From. "

2009-12-27T01:06:00.000+08:00

Believe me, I'm Fucking Risking It All; For A Better Tomorrow.

2009-12-25T17:29:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas. :)

2009-12-25T17:07:00.000+08:00

"What Happened To Working It Out? "

stolen lives

2009-12-22T04:25:00.000+08:00

Stolen Lives.

Let's move on, Shall we?

Daddy, you've got me bruised bad.

2009-12-14T22:03:00.002+08:00

“do you know how much i ache to feel your skin? to hear your voice? do you know how my body literally hurts when i think about how much i want to feel your arms around me? lust does not even begin to describe it. it’s beyond that. it’s honestly like i am missing a part of me. and it hurts.”

fuck you

2009-12-13T14:53:00.001+08:00

Zoukout,

It was my phone getting SMASHED by boyfey cuz epul baby texted.
It was me getting all druggedshit drunk.

It was a true colour revelation.
It's me being single.

Sorry if i did puke all over you.
Intentions aside, Next time, lesson learnt?
Don't say, ever, that u know me.
How u like me now?
Pffts.

Does it matter?

Never Did.

I'm Leaving For Australia.

-Amazing what drugs does.

high

2009-12-11T17:04:00.000+08:00

"Great Mother Of Ganja."

fuckshit

2009-12-08T03:07:00.000+08:00

This FUCKING headache is killing me.

I can't sleep.

I still don't know what time i'm on tomorrow.

My neck hurts like fuckshit.

Tantrums.

I need my dosage of ecstasy.

romeo

2009-12-08T02:17:00.000+08:00

"My Favourite Affair."

r'ships

2009-12-06T18:57:00.005+08:00

i hate relationships

random fuck.

relationship sucks, big time.

i was so much better off alone, fuckin 4 years

had to make a fuckn mistake

what is fuckn love? its all bullshit.

all fucking lies

response:

not all people are the same

but the hurt stays, & its the same

so whats the point?

its all fuckn unnecessary. very unnecessary.

response:

if it stays, open a new book..

write a new story..

use a new pen..

include new people in it..

no time.

more time for self upgrade instead of being involved in dumb stuffs like that.

i'd rather travel the world,see places. learn new things everyday.

rather den finding out about someone. No Point.

cuz the ONLY thing they do, is disappoint & disgrace you.

where has all the pride, dignity gone too?

so what if he's a man? still, being cheap, is being cheap.

he has never, ever gotten the chance to call me cheap.

one reason, im NOT.

im not being fucking corky.

my parents brought me up with a broad understanding of things.

when did i ever stooped so low. my expectations, my outlook on stuffs.

all these wasted, in the name of what? LOVE.

two words:, "fucking bullshit."

response:

explain the word love from from mum to u then?

thats different,

we're bonded by blood

its unconditional love.

all this fuckn boygirl relationship is fuckn bullshit.

all looking for one thing: trouble.

i stand better, alone.

zoukout

2009-12-05T15:24:00.000+08:00

"Burned With Desire"

goodbye

2009-12-01T23:52:00.000+08:00

" My Days Are Numbered. "

2009-11-28T12:42:00.002+08:00

Advance Birthday Present Anyone?

Adore This Shit.

2009-11-27T21:21:00.004+08:00

Hari raya haji.
It marks the 4 year long f'ship we have,bestfriend.

Yet i'm lying at home.
Waiting for you to at least call.
Things happen for a reason & so it is.

Finding reasons not to try.
You've always e frst i'd call.
I wish you were here; always did.

2009-11-27T21:12:00.001+08:00

"Once bitten, twice shy?"

2009-11-27T11:27:00.003+08:00

Im on a runaway train. i'm reminded of you by everything i chanced upon.
The stop where u last walked away is the stop i have to pass through Everyday.
The place where we first hugged is somewhere i happen to be each day.
Im sitting at the place where we met after so long. Thinking, what could have went wrong. But then i guess i had my chance & blew it. Its always typical of me never to know what i've got until i lose it.
Christmas's coming. It marks the day when i last saw you.
& i thought i was looking forward to Christmas, my best time of the year.

2009-11-26T21:57:00.002+08:00

They say; this brings goodluck. But why am i backspacing every sentence i type? Same as for you, Cuz i want you to be happy. My words & what i truly feel weren't that important. i doubt so; cuz it takes some courage to tell you what i did. & for you to leave; is the only thing im crying for.

"To love someone is to give them your heart for them to break. But trusting them not to. "

Dear diary

2009-11-23T04:24:00.003+08:00

Dear diary,
He's been ranting the past hour while sleeping. Begging, pleading me not to leave. He knows, so do i. We could make it work. Not now, my heart's all bitter & bland. I wish i could run away so far. But im here, because of love.

unfaithful

2009-11-21T20:27:00.001+08:00

"Tie me up & Lets Tango; Baby. "

new job

2009-11-19T23:28:00.007+08:00

Trying to stay positive.

All my f&b years voiding itself. First time heading into Fashion Industry; hopefully they'll give me a good post, not forgetting the salary too.

Whatever happened to, "Forget all abt salary, tittle, perks, & status. Choose a job that makes you go. "

Times Have Changed.

3rd month

2009-11-12T03:11:00.009+08:00

A gift from Boyf for our anniversary. ^^

I've got more than i could have wished for.

He makes up for everything i ever lacked.

In the arms of an angel.

Sweet Madness <3

perfectionist.

2009-10-31T15:39:00.009+08:00

Its the end of the month. Looking back, there's not much achieved improvements i've made. Say, I'm down with fever. Fell & hit my head at work.

Mild concussion i'd gather; difficulties moving my neck & my throat went all swollen on me, left me exactly one finger's spacing for me to breathe. But cgh's Dr. Daniel said i'm good to go since my X-ray was perfectly normal.

Quarrelled with gf regarding my changed attitude towards her, my empty promises, my unachieved goals.

Had a misunderstanding with boyf's friends due to me saying what i felt was right at that point of time. About me being too inquisitive & basically nonchalant to his feelings. But then again, isn't that what i'm made of ? To them, i'm taking sides.

But at the end of the day, i believe i'm the only one who knows i never take sides.

All i do, is well, be fair. Maybe like the old saying goes, "Truth Hurts." Maybe i'm just depicted to my own beliefs?

Who knows ?

But it ain't fair to me when his friend mentioned something about staying away from me would be good, Since they wouldn't want any girls they know to be like me.

*Shakes head*

The first thing that came to mind was,
"What do you know about me? "

I was brought up being taught the importance of self-confidence. The inner secrets that people wondered only lie in the hands of my parents. I'm strong because of them. I'm never subtle about my opinions & spoke with utmost clarity. Only because of what my parents blessed me with, an open mind.

My life has always been blessed.No matter what situation brings me down, God has always left the perfect people to be by my side. This time however, Its either i'm brought down far too deep or too long. I find much difficulties bouncing right up back. I never doubted the people i surround myself with as, selfish as it may sound, i chose my friends, wisely. I only treasure people whom have that broad open mind & thinking skills that might even surprise me sometimes. People whom i know can be mad as all they want but never egoistical. Never bringing down their pride for just the benefit of pleasure.
People whom i know will walk up to an old blind man, to cross the road.

But as they say, Life is a never-ending journey.

I believe i'm still learning through these phases of life that rapidly change.

So tell me, boyf's an angel ?

He might not be an angel but he's perfect in every way i need him to be.

Being perfect to me, is definitely how you see yourself. The utmost step to have an impression is of course, how you see yourself. Then appreciating your flaws. Because your flaws are never flaws unless you want them to be.

Personally, the true beauty of perfection lies in imperfection.

Selfishness

2009-10-24T21:53:00.000+08:00

"Wobble & skidded."

-Painful as it is, i came to a realisation.

limited imagination

2009-10-23T09:18:00.000+08:00

I had this random thought while bathing last nght.
I really wanted to tell one of my gfs this:

"Gf, you gotta get someone of your expectations; really.

The most definite reply of hers would be,
"What do you mean?"

I would nonchalantly swallow my saliva hard & blink twice den reply;
"Someone would least knows how to spell your name?"

I smirked in the loo itself. the thought of having of my diploma-holder girlfriends-who-aced-her-every-Amaths-test having a boifey who doesnt even know who to spell her full name. Pardon me, but her name is definitely much shorter than nurhazwanibintemuhdsalimabdullahkok.

It again sets me to my every girlfriend. One who married my uncle & is having thetimeofherlife.
There's one who has everything but her height & a boifey would wallop her every chance he had.
The other who is being cheated but blindly forgives.
Then there's one who loves with all but was left high & dry.
& one who doesn't even know what she's missing.
and not forgetting, Mom.

Will i suffer the same fate as them?

No offence bbytigger; ure perfectly fine the way you are.

It just occurs to me that not everyone knows what they want. & not what they want is what they know is consciously, aware of their sudden beats & flares of their own song.

Read agn. u'll fall on e same page as me.

forgiveness

2009-10-21T14:04:00.000+08:00

My only plead; forgiveness.

betrayal

2009-10-11T04:36:00.000+08:00

It is said, "We have to distrust each other. That's our only defense against betrayal. "
The act itself crushes your soul. What else if it's to the ones we know ?
Assumptions ? Maybe. But it certainly doesn't defeat the purpose of wanting to know.

Lickspittle is self-thought thou it feeds a purpose.
Somethings are done without gain, which destroys the whole intention itself.
Something which i would call, a fool.

Thank you, my friend.

boyfey <3

2009-10-07T18:39:00.000+08:00

" First deserve then desire"

run away

2009-09-09T15:01:00.000+08:00

Happy Anniversary.

As i search for this particular photo, i immediately felt a piercing sensation through my senses. My eyes started to water; maybe from the dye that got to my eye earlier. I laughed it off. I just couldn't think what was right anymore. Our anniversary, Alone.

farewell.

2009-09-01T22:26:00.000+08:00

To my DEAREST cousin,

Biddin Farewell to you is the hardest thing I could ever do. We go a long way back, to get where we are today. From The First Pineapple Yellow & Green Apple Blouses to the Bananas In Pyjamas Playing Classroom Teacher & Student on Ironing Boards. Not forgetting the Big Flaired Ribbon Dresses that were fashion to our parents waay back then. Plus the Fights, Oh my, the fights. No one could ever forget them. But they refuse to talk about it. Or maybe its past our time. But we never do acknowledge that fact do we ? We forget the year just to forgo our age cuz the last number tallies with ours. We frown and walk away pretending not to hear anything with eyes darting around to make sure no one hears what we just realised; its our last teen year.

Today, i bid you farewell my dearest cousin, but never to the times when we talk into late nights over basically, nothing at all. The peeking process after yayau comes into the room to check why we were giggling our noses off. You are of presence to me no matter how far we are from each other. I think the-sittting-on-top-of-your-cousin's-womb-to-make-them-bond-better theory by yayau really works.

I love you. Do Take care & come back soon. We still have Jamiyah Orphanage to check on our list. *winks*

twart

2009-09-01T04:42:00.000+08:00

Hell has no fury like a woman's scorn.
But pity you lady, ure nothing like a woman.

Know your limits. Don't force me to wash your dirty little linen to the world. Then, u'll be sure of the things you ever said, coming true.

Like this: "u went back on your word. ....You might meet others who have more going on. "
Don't make me let you have the LEAST of anything to be ever going on.

Don't cross my chinese nerves & you'll be daddy's little girl just fine. You may be just about surprised to know things i do know of that you don't even have a single clue. Trip me little twart & ur face might just be the victim of my jaw-clenching senses being alerted. Being intimidated should be the last thing on your mind as now u wished u never read this.

As for additional fact, my boyfriend's doin perfectly well without a scratch. He has more to life now being a man, my man for that fact.

I'm over your pathetic self-kicking-torned-by-jealousy phase. stuff yourself dry missy.

tumblr

2009-08-30T21:26:00.000+08:00

Should i hop over to tumblr ? everyone's there. Look out for my update on the ninthseptember. ^^

feel what i feel

2009-08-28T03:27:00.000+08:00

Call you up in the middle of the night. Like a firefly without a light.
You were there like a blowtorch burning. I was a key that could use a little turning.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep. So many secrets I couldn't keep.
I promised myself I wouldn't weep. One more promise I couldn't keep.

It seems no one can help me now,I'm in too deep; there's no way out.
This time I have really led myself astray.

Can you help me remember how to smile? Make it somehow all seem worthwhile.
How on earth did I get so jaded? Life's mystery seems so faded.

I can go where no one else can go. I know what no one else knows.
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain. With a ticket for a runaway train.

And everything seems cut and dried,Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just don't believe it.

Runaway train, never going back. Wrong way on a one-way track.
Seems like I should be getting somewhere. Somehow I'm neither here nor there.

Bought a ticket for a runaway train. Like a madman laughing at the rain.
A little out of touch, a little insane. It's just easier than dealing with the pain.

Runaway train, never coming back.
Runaway train, tearing up the track.
Runaway train, burning in my veins.
I run away but it always seems the same.

footprints

2009-08-22T21:52:00.000+08:00

footprints.

I miss those times all the same. Those times when the second i saw you walking towards my direction, my frustrations became my lessons. The moments when we hug & replace all those "i wished you were there to witness it. " The moments when we spent much more time figuring out what our relationship really needed; when it didn't require anything more besides us. Sometimes we're so perfect it felt so wrong. Sometimes, we judge ourselves & say we're not up to what we are to be together. Sometimes. We never did let it get in our way. Not what your bestfriends said about my bestgirlfriend. Not about the times i so wished you were there. Not those times when we were too embarressed to say we are sorry about being so cynical & trying so hard to prove something about our stand; when clearly, we have nothing to prove ourselves.

I miss you all the same now just as i eagerly wake up to each day just to see you, again. It tingles all the same when you touch me so tenderly. It taste ever so sweet like the first when we kissed. It makes me miss you more everyday when u fall asleep beside me each night now; only to be replaced when i wake up to you looking at me welcoming my day. Your kisses is getting purer by the day knowing how much it took just to get we are, today.

Baobei, im thankful im officially yours.

❤

To Acoy my buddy, you have helped me through the times even when we don't even know each other that well. All the promises, you stood by it although i couldn't reach near it. You stayed as my friend even though ive disappointed you through the times we were acquaintances to buddies. I never could explain how grateful i am to have a buddy like you; never being able to return your gratitude. I can never be half of what you have been to me, magnanimous, true & unselfish.

i Lost everyone who was ever so dear. The people who grew up with me. Who truly knew me. It pains me thinking about it when i sit with my new friends just reminiscing. It dampened me just thinking i would have to start anew with new people who might not understand what i really meant by my responses. It hurt having to know now, all the inside jokes are meant to be kept cuz im the only one who has the insides of the jokes.

But i guess God has it all planned out for me.

Never do to others what you don't want others to do to you. My conscience is clear. So is my actions. If you can't see it, dnt blame me for your defect. I live my life only to make the world a better place; i don't need unnecessary facades.

❤sometimes, what you think may not be what you are.

first hate post

2009-08-20T07:16:00.000+08:00

First note of the evening.
I look upon people who have regrets that are only dampened by jealousy. You clearly know who you are. You ought to be despised by others as much as you sincerely do when you face the mirror everyday each morning tirelessly wearing that same old facade. Just as you're sore, you think you can offend the world. Little did you know that praying five times a day for ThreeHundred&SixtyFiveDays wont get you out of the burning hell fire you made out of ur selfish sins yourself. You masked yourself & others with all the materialistic greeds forcing thoughts on others you're just doing plainly fine. Just as ure doing better than,if possibly not anyone but me, doesnt mean ull be having the last choke. & doesnt mean that what u had will be what ure having in times i will have them. Its not about the stuff. Its not about the thoughts. Its about what you really have inside instead of that fake originality & confidence that you ingenuinely pride yourself with. Spit yourself dry honey, for as that is not enough to the shame you brought yourself & your parents who have brought you up thinking just cuz u do your pretencious prayers infront of them, ure gonna do them good one fine day when they wither & die. All they're gonna see is ur ugly & monstrous self that you keep behind all those digusting tears.

❤if you're readin this feeling a certain high from the block of oxygen from ur brain to the other parts of ur inexpensive bodyparts; its you im talking about.

im starting over

2009-08-19T04:48:00.000+08:00

My Blessing; literally.

This night so late i begin with looking upon all those who never believed in me. Those who were never there for me. Those who gagged me whenever they had a chance to. Those who have given up on me.

And then again, there's those who stood through my storms with me; regardless if i would, with them. Those who held my hands & told me im gnna make it further one day. Those who embraced me whenever they had a chance to. Those who never ashamed to call me out as a friend. Those who remembered me through the good times & the bad as it assured me im an equally good friend they have been for me.

I never would have to wait till they are gone. Or they are far away & start reminiscing. Standard hypocrites i would call them. Search your soul & you'd agree with me. The box sealing my fate & opportunities is stranded on shore. But i was told its near. I was told it could be felt if u look deeper. Yes i was told. Yes i believed. Cuz he made me believe in something in me i never tot i could re-live. Naive; u may say. I believe you all the same. Cuz if you took the time to read this & fully understand what's really going on in our unfaithful world, i believe that you're not that far from where ive been.

❤im starting over❤

my fairytale

2009-08-18T05:34:00.001+08:00

o9o8o9
.start of my fairytale.

its official.

we are just finishing off what we started.

girlfriends, gag on it cuz ive got romeo. guys, keep drinking on cuz this juliet is taking her leave.

partaye people

2009-08-10T16:32:00.000+08:00

Few Things To Take Note Of :

Girlfriend's cum Bbytigger partaye was a "BHA-A-LAST". Sincere appreciation to loved/closed ones who made it for Bbytigger's little celebration. Enjoy the scenes people. Cheers !

.illbeback.

perfect boyfriend

2009-08-01T17:18:00.000+08:00

❤The Man Of My Dreams❤

❥Genius
❥Unintended
❥Envied

❥Sexy
❥Acceptable
❥Yammer
❥Adaptable
❥Noble
❥Gifted

❥BroadMinded
❥Abstract
❥Noisy
❥Gem
❥Enticing
❥Trickster

❥Smart
❥Attractive
❥Magnanimous
❥Abstruse

❥Ablush
❥Bright
❥Devoted
❥Unique
❥LightHearted

❥Realistic
❥Accommodable
❥Homely
❥Modest
❥Accompany
❥Natural

❥Beautiful
❥Intelligent
❥Nimble

❥Meticulous
❥Optimistic
❥Honourable
❥Different

❥Yearned
❥Accountable
❥ThickSkinned
❥Interesting
❥Mischievious

beat this.

2009-07-18T15:46:00.000+08:00

i saw a lonely limpin cat this mrnn aftr wrk. I cant help but thk how similiar we are in various ways.
Crippled.Miles away from those we love.
It makes me wonder if it was a choice.For the cat of course.A move to ostracize himself from his tribe due to smthk he strongly disapproves of; or just sheer determination to prove himself.

Taboo.

No one ever said it would be self-demoralizing, deflating of self pride. crushing of the ego, frequent compromising of own principles & beliefs.All in hope of not denying an opportunity to make yourself a better person; one day.

No one said it was easy.

It's amazing what inspiration does, when you're mending the pieces of what's left of the broken. It pushes you to the edge only to make you take the leap. The only restriction is what's at the end of the rainbow; your main focus. If you'd get side-tracked, you'd have to start all over.

Like the cat, limping away with one leg, hanging.

roadblock

2009-07-14T23:01:00.000+08:00

blog readers. i discovered a new fact.
this blogskin is a little over the usual.
so if you cant press on the hyperlinks,
please download opera.

on the sideline, opera is really fast. even faster than firefox. PLus, its totally user-friendly. im a techie noob. its best for me. don't beg to differ, its a personal opinion. which; of course im entitled to have that's why ure reading this to find out more about what goes on this little birdbrain. [what daddy always says] im a little traumatised by an incident that got reminded me of what disrespecting one's decison could lead too. i am ranting on & on to avoid trembling in fear then sleep, crying.

dj special k

2009-07-14T18:34:00.000+08:00

Event : "Don't Party"

Venue : House @ Dempsey Hill
8d Dempsey Road

Date & Time : Friday, 17th juLy. 9pm till 3am.

Electro. Dj Special K spinning.

[Tag for Guest-list Privileges]

climax

2009-07-09T10:01:00.000+08:00

downstream.

one defining word to describe my life.its been such a highlighted event since the day i turned eighteen.too much enjoyment during those younger illegal days of partying, sex, drugs & alcohol.i still stick to the old simplistic basic belief of everything happens for a reason.

retribution. karma.

sophistication deferred. financially disturbed. priorities uncertain.sacrifices made.decisions said. still one thing sticks, every man for himself. during these dark shadowed days are the magnitude visions of clarifications i never did once thought of. friends i thought i had. the helping hands i never thought i would reach out to. the scale of gratitude would never end.

even though i hit rock bottom, still gasping for air, i would never want to see anyone in my shoes as i know how miserable it is to be left to pick up the pieces of the puzzle you never did do. even though its your wrong. you can put the blame on me.

one fine day, im gonna prove all you wrong.

baby,
when you think you've got it bad,
somebody's got it worst than you.

nonchalant

2009-07-08T16:04:00.001+08:00

i was on the way back bfre it struck my mind.
how long more could i really wait bfre i should walk beside him with full confidence & pride.

for being me.

i no longer have that awed inspiration. the way i usually thought he' d treat me. with love, respect, dignity & attention.

simply said, im just too much for him to handle.

my whines.
my whimpers.
my frequent cravings.
my attention span.
my randomness.
my love.

we could have been so beautiful.

i thought wrong.

stop hurting me..

tribute

2009-07-07T12:11:00.000+08:00

a little late i admit.
but i finally realise the impact of losing him.

like how he first made an impact in my life.

i remember now how i used to listen to his songs when i needed someone to be there. someone so real & sincere. who believed in himself no matter what the world brought him.

he proved them wrong.

i was youtubing his song "hold my hand" feat akon with boyfriend just a day before he passed away. that morning, it felt as if i was deluding myself just not to hear from anyone.

my king of pop. my saviour. my role model. my only knight in shining armour.

you're not alone michael.
❥iloveyou.